Hanged or Hanging on?

I know, I know….what kind of a blogger doesn’t post for over two weeks and leaves her readers in the lurch as to her where abouts and going on’s?   It’s rude and inconsiderate and where do writers such as myself get off behaving like that.  What kind of a professional do I think I am?

The kind that started to believe and buy in to what every one had warned her about… Getting acting work and “making it” in Los Angeles is damn near impossible.  Many people warned me I was going to move out here, give it a shot and I would see how hard it was, how cruel the people can be, no good Mexican food and I would return to Houston having comfort in giving it my best.  But at least tried, right?

I was thisclose last week to cashing in my chips and began to figure out a way to get back to Houston.  I don’t have a permanent place to live and thought after 6 weeks I would have found something, ANYTHING and I finally realized why the Southland has so many homeless people – duh, they came out to LA to pursue their personal journey of winning an Academy Award, like me, ran out of money, like me, couldn’t find a place to live, like me, or a day job, like me,  while they were taking classes at Second City, JUST like me, and couldn’t scratch up enough change to get back to wherever it was they came from... oh what a sad fate I have in store, but…it all makes sense….and I tried!  I gave it my best and you know, maybe this isn’t for me...

And then, I heard my heart ask, did you really, truly, give it your best? 

Upon arriving in Los Angeles 7 weeks ago, a good friend of mine suggested I read Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist.  For those of you that haven’t read it, it’s a story about a Spanish Shepherd on his personal journey to find his treasure in Egypt.  I was reading it the other day and I came across a passage,

“What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not do this because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. 

That’s the point at which most people give up. 

It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees appeared in the horizon.’

Every search begins with beginner’s luck.  And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

I started thinking, have I done all I can do and am I ready to throw down my headshots and stick up my hands in surrender?   Have I tried every possible avenue for a day job and an apartment and have I given this city and my goals, a fair chance?  Or did I have unrealistic expectations and need to continue to show up, be here and find a way to make this happen.  I hear my heart, I know this is where I am supposed to be and I don’t want to take off on a Boeing 747 and look out the window and see palm trees behind me.

A friend once told me a long time ago, when you get to the end of your rope, you have two options….get hanged or hang on.  She suggested the latter.  Well, I never really understood the severity or the sense that made, until now.

My rope is my journey here in LA….I am at the point where there is a knot.  I can either quit and get hanged which = go home and realize my quest was unsuccessful.  OR, I can tie a knot and hang on.  

My hands are bloody with rope burns but I am hanging on very tightly.   This is my personal journey and one I will accomplish.  Not over night, not easily, but with sheer will, guidance from my heart and support from my friends and family.  I have all that, it’s in me and I know it. 

Among all the uncertainty and fear about the future, I am wrapped in a blanket of peace.  A peace in my heart because I am on my personal journey.  I am here in LA and I will, without a doubt, accomplish my dreams.

I will not give up, I will fight for this until I am successful.  Please, don’t you give up on me either.

Until next post (and I promise it will be soon)

- Caroline