The Bad, the Good and the Promise…

The roller coaster of emotions...up, down.... happy, sad... hopeless, full of life... scared, safe... laughter, crying….Roller coaster.

THE BAD:

I was venting to my friend back home the other day about how the situation I am in right now sucks and she was all, "You need to blog and write about it."  I love to write, it’s therapeutic, but in my heart, I was like…noooooo…I….don’t. 

I sure don’t want to let all the people who read my blog and believe in me, know what a huge slump I’m in and that I am really feeling hopeless right now.

I used to love having a blog, that way all my friends and family could keep up with my exciting and wacky adventures in Los Angeles…Now, not so much…Why you ask?  Well because I have invited everyone I know, have met or meet on the streets into my life and when my life isn’t going as planned, my failures are exposed to all.  No one likes to live through failures, let alone re-cap them in print for anyone to read.  No one really wants to read about hopelessness and failure, do they?  Do you?

I know, I asked for it and did it to myself, and I get that.  But it’s really tough to not only have to go through this, but to have to share the fact it’s not going well with all of you.  It’s hard to find a job out here...not even an acting job, but like a regular day job.  I have applied to everything from waiting tables, bartending, catering, banquet gigs, nanny gigs, manager positions, tour bus guide, promotions, marketing.....

Being job-less is the worst feeling in the world.  I feel pretty worthless and even when I think I have nailed an interview, for whatever reason, I don’t get the job.  See, I have always found a way to get work and never stressed out about a job... until now .  Thank God I can design and build awesome websites, which is sustaining my living expenses in the meantime.  But even with the website work, I work by myself, wherever I can (coffee shops) which means little or no interaction with other people.  That, within itself, sucks. 

I just don’t know what else to do!  I keep asking myself, "Have you done all you can do?" "Because if the answer is yes, then yeah – maybe this isn’t for you Caroline."  "Maybe you don’t have what it takes to make it out here in LA…That’s cool, you tried, you failed, now go back to Houston and – well, figure it out there."   But if my answer is, I think I have, or I don’t know…then I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself and find a way to make this happen! 

So I need a job.  And a place to live.  I miss my bed and my things and especially, Charlie.  I miss my dog and until I get my own place, I am without him.  For those of you that know Charlie, you know what a source of happiness he is for me.  Without him, I feel very much alone.

THE GOOD:

I am alive!  That, in a nutshell, is pretty amazing.  I have life and regardless of the outcome, I am pursing my personal journey. 

I have the best people rooting for me from all over the globe.  Although that comes with pressure to not fail or let you all down, I am so honored to have you all care about me so much.  Friends and family who I know and love and those of you I have never even met.  It’s heartwarming. 

I have reconnected with friends from Houston that I went to school with or knew one way or another, who I never thought would be in my life at this point.   And not only are they in my life, they are solid people who have traveled down the very same road that I am on and they are supporting me in every way possible.

I have met a ton of amazing, talented people in LA….Singers, my Second City friends, Houstonians here in LA!, stand-up comics, hair-stylists, producers,  friends of friends, waiters/waitresses, people in the industry, people who would never ever want to be in the industry…all so awesome.  I feel so lucky just to be here.

My Mom….she is the best.  I know at times I make her want to pull her hair out and I am sure she has often thought about how easier her life would be if she would have just left me at the hospital….but she is the best thing in my life.

THE PROMISE:

Well, okay, no, it won’t be that awesome if I leave LA without accomplishing any of my goals...so for now, for the next 7 days, I will give it 200%, everything I have.  I will report in every day and update you all as to where I am and we will, together, take the next seven days on.  Head-up, positive attitude, smile on my face, with everything we have. 

And on an end note, if one more person from LA, Houston, NYC or anywhere on the globe for that matter sends me a smug note or comment or email saying how hard it is to make it in LA and what a tough, bad town this is and how people get eaten alive....SAVE IT 

Stop reading my blog. 

I don’t need that now, or actually, never needed it.  I get it, it’s hard, you tried or know someone who tried or read about a failed attempt about making it in the “biz” here and it didn’t end as expected. I am so sorry it didn’t work out. 

But this is MY journey, MY experiences, MY life.  If you don’t have anything nice or constructive to say, don’t say it.  You’re not helping.  I appreciate your need to share, but it’s not constructive.  I have my own path to go on and I don’t need people saying, basically, “I told you so.”

Until tomorrow,

Caroline

Hanged or Hanging on?

I know, I know….what kind of a blogger doesn’t post for over two weeks and leaves her readers in the lurch as to her where abouts and going on’s?   It’s rude and inconsiderate and where do writers such as myself get off behaving like that.  What kind of a professional do I think I am?

The kind that started to believe and buy in to what every one had warned her about… Getting acting work and “making it” in Los Angeles is damn near impossible.  Many people warned me I was going to move out here, give it a shot and I would see how hard it was, how cruel the people can be, no good Mexican food and I would return to Houston having comfort in giving it my best.  But at least tried, right?

I was thisclose last week to cashing in my chips and began to figure out a way to get back to Houston.  I don’t have a permanent place to live and thought after 6 weeks I would have found something, ANYTHING and I finally realized why the Southland has so many homeless people – duh, they came out to LA to pursue their personal journey of winning an Academy Award, like me, ran out of money, like me, couldn’t find a place to live, like me, or a day job, like me,  while they were taking classes at Second City, JUST like me, and couldn’t scratch up enough change to get back to wherever it was they came from... oh what a sad fate I have in store, but…it all makes sense….and I tried!  I gave it my best and you know, maybe this isn’t for me...

And then, I heard my heart ask, did you really, truly, give it your best? 

Upon arriving in Los Angeles 7 weeks ago, a good friend of mine suggested I read Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist.  For those of you that haven’t read it, it’s a story about a Spanish Shepherd on his personal journey to find his treasure in Egypt.  I was reading it the other day and I came across a passage,

“What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not do this because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. 

That’s the point at which most people give up. 

It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees appeared in the horizon.’

Every search begins with beginner’s luck.  And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

I started thinking, have I done all I can do and am I ready to throw down my headshots and stick up my hands in surrender?   Have I tried every possible avenue for a day job and an apartment and have I given this city and my goals, a fair chance?  Or did I have unrealistic expectations and need to continue to show up, be here and find a way to make this happen.  I hear my heart, I know this is where I am supposed to be and I don’t want to take off on a Boeing 747 and look out the window and see palm trees behind me.

A friend once told me a long time ago, when you get to the end of your rope, you have two options….get hanged or hang on.  She suggested the latter.  Well, I never really understood the severity or the sense that made, until now.

My rope is my journey here in LA….I am at the point where there is a knot.  I can either quit and get hanged which = go home and realize my quest was unsuccessful.  OR, I can tie a knot and hang on.  

My hands are bloody with rope burns but I am hanging on very tightly.   This is my personal journey and one I will accomplish.  Not over night, not easily, but with sheer will, guidance from my heart and support from my friends and family.  I have all that, it’s in me and I know it. 

Among all the uncertainty and fear about the future, I am wrapped in a blanket of peace.  A peace in my heart because I am on my personal journey.  I am here in LA and I will, without a doubt, accomplish my dreams.

I will not give up, I will fight for this until I am successful.  Please, don’t you give up on me either.

Until next post (and I promise it will be soon)

- Caroline