“The
racetrack is dry for the pace lap, and then just after the green flag is waved,
indicating the start of the race, there is a wall of rain, a torrential
downpour that engulfs the track. All of the cars around him spin out of control
into the fields and he drives through them, as if the rain didn’t fall on him, like he had a magic spell that cleared his path.”
It was a crisp LA morning
and I got dropped off at LAX crazy early.
I go through the rigmarole of security and the mindless wasting of time
in the terminal while I wait for my flight. I hit Maccas, grab a cup of coffee then decide I would
really like to read a book on my flight, so I pop over to the bookstore and
brose around for a good one. Ugh,
I really hate that feeling of not knowing which book to buy that I will
love. I am not a big book review
reader, so I rely solely on two very important variables… 1. How does the book
feel in my hand and 2. Is the cover cool?...It’s not a science, but an
art. I see this book with yellow
(love) and blue cover copy and a Golden Retriever (love x2) on the cover and
pick it up…it’s prefect. In line I
am reading the back cover with all the reviews and see someone paralleled it to
a book I love, The Alchemist.
Home Run. “The
Art of Racing In The Rain” by Garth Stein.
I board the plane at 5:30
in the morning wearing jeans, t-shirt and a sweater. So excited to sink my teeth into this book, I forget where I
am, forget the excitement of coming home, forget that sometimes I am not the
best “take-off” flier and read.
This book was an enlightening companion. Originally when I bought it, I wanted something to fill my
time with mindless reading on the flight.
What I received was a gift of direction, understanding and a whole mess
of advice and character building. With
my inability to put the book down, my flight was over in a snap. Hello Houston!
I grab my belongings and
hit the ramp to walk out into the gate where I was hoping there would be
elephants, balloons, a high school band – you’re basic welcome home
fanfare. Nothing. Oh, makes sense, with the new security
measures in place, I am sure none of that could get this far into the
airport..and it would all be waiting for me at the baggage claim. A loud ping and vibrating purse was the
source of that little fantasy going up in smoke. A text message from my friend, “running about 30 minutes late to
get you. Be there soon, then
margaritas.” Boo…no parade, no party,
no fanfare – but margaritas.
Silver lining.
I grab my bags and walk
out to passenger pick-up. Within
in instant, I begin to peel off my sweater and melt. Ah Houston. One
of my best friends in the world was on her way to get me and I was excited…I
read while I waited, wrapped in a blanket of heat and humidity.
After drinks with my
friend, we go to hook up at a bar where my brothers always go on Thursdays to
play Golden Tee with a bunch of our friends..It was so good to see my brothers,
even if they drive me bonkers half the time, and just hanging out with old
friends. I swear I hugged everyone
twice and my baby brother for a least ten minutes. That’s one thing I miss the most about Houston, hugs. We all sit down for a cold beer and
then the questions come…”How’s life in LaLa land? Have you met a lot of cool people? Are you going on a lot auditions? Have you gotten an agent?
Are you acting in anything?”
“No race has ever been won in the
first corner,
but plenty have been lost there.”
but plenty have been lost there.”
“LA is amazing, I love it
there. The weather is absolutely
perfect! I have met some of the
most incredible and talented people and have a bunch of great friends! (shot in the dark here, none of y’all
read my blog?) No, no auditions yet. No, no agent yet either. I am still attending Improv classes at
Second City and my teacher says I’m pretty good at it and I really love it
there. I have that feature film
that we’re shooting in Houston in October and November, but no, nothing in LA
as far as acting, nothing yet. It’s just
the timing hasn’t been right.”
I looked at them, hearing
my answers and saw the look of question and wonder on their faces. I can’t say for sure what they were
thinking or what they were wanting to say, but in my mind – the gist of it was,
“Really? You aren’t doing anything
in LA you set out to do eight months ago?
Nothing inline with your goals or dreams?” Yeah….I guess when you put it that way, no…Nothing. Tears well up in my eyes. What have I been doing out there? What’s wrong with me that nothing as
far as what I want to do with my life, my destiny of being an actor, of
creating art in ways that I want to, no forward progress, at all, on my part
has been made, why, why?
“A driver controls the car so completely that he corrects a
spin before it happens,
he anticipates all possibilities. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
In our world, surprises sometimes happen, mistakes happen,
incidents with other drivers happen, and a driver must react.”
he anticipates all possibilities. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
In our world, surprises sometimes happen, mistakes happen,
incidents with other drivers happen, and a driver must react.”
In my mind I know why,
it’s clear as a bell. I am too
busy trying to keep afloat by doing other stuff to pay the bills and maintain
my lifestyle, I don’t have the financial wiggle room, the volumes of time I
need to devote myself to actively
hustle for auditions, to look for an agent, or the finances to randomly
act. I wish I did, but I
don’t. When I do have free time, I
can do other things that I love to do, my other passions, write and cook. Because I don’t need anyone to allow me
to do so. No one says, “Hey
Caroline, sit down and write on your blog, now – go!” I just can, anytime I want. No one says, “Man, I am hungry. Caroline, go to Trader Joe’s, get some food and create a
fabulous meal so we can all enjoy it!”
I just can, and they do!
And I love writing and cooking just as much as when I am acting. In essence, they are all vehicles of
me, my expression, my voice, my art.
But, to everyone in my
life, I was very clear on my goals and journey for LA, to be an actor. And writing and cooking were not
communicated as avenues of exploration or desire. Those that know, know
me, know I love to write and cook…but those are just hobbies, time fillers of
personal interest. Or are they?
“A driver
must have faith. In his talent,
his judgment,
the judgment of those around him, physics.
A driver must have faith in his crew, his car, his tires, his brakes, himself.”
the judgment of those around him, physics.
A driver must have faith in his crew, his car, his tires, his brakes, himself.”
Have I missed huge parts
of my personal picture? Is my
scope so narrow I am missing all the signs and direction that are posted on the
side of the road like mile markers? Am I so focused on the fact I am not doing anything to become the actor
I want to be, I am forgetting who I am?
Am I constantly beating myself down about what I am not doing or what I
haven’t done, I discount all the achievements and accomplishments I have?
“The driver
must accept his fate. He must
accept the fact that mistakes have been made. Misjudgments.
Poor decisions. A
confluence of circumstances has landed him in this position. A driver must accept it all and be
willing to pay the price for it.
He must go off-track.”
He must go off-track.”
Coming home to Houston was
an amazing experience. Seeing all
my friends, catching up like no time had gone by, hanging out with Charlie –
face licks and all, my nephews growing like weeds, Mexican food…all of it was awesome. But the best part about going home was
the opportunity to think, reflect, recharge and do some much needed soul
searching. All very much needed
for guidance, direction and understanding.
“A winner, a champion, will accept
his fate.
He will continue with his wheels in the dirt. He will do his best to maintain his line and gradually get himself back on track when it is safe to do so.
Yes, he looses a few places in the race. Yes, he is at a disadvantage. But he is still racing. He is still alive.”
He will continue with his wheels in the dirt. He will do his best to maintain his line and gradually get himself back on track when it is safe to do so.
Yes, he looses a few places in the race. Yes, he is at a disadvantage. But he is still racing. He is still alive.”
I am barely on my first
lap. I am just getting familiar
with the track, the car, the crew, the elements. I am only on my first lap. I don’t know what this race is going to entail. I am not sure the curves, the turns,
who is driving behind me or ahead of me.
I have no idea what the road ahead brings….but I have a clear heart,
strong mind, undying passions and both hands gripped firmly on the steering
wheel.
“Very
gently.
Like there are eggshells on your pedals,
and you don’t want to break them.
That’s how you drive in the rain.”
Like there are eggshells on your pedals,
and you don’t want to break them.
That’s how you drive in the rain.”
Until next post,
Caroline
