On your mark! Get set! Wait....it will come! (what?)

This morning I was talking with my editor,,,,,, I mean armchair editor,,,,,, I mean judgmental baby brother, and he said he needed more.  To be exact he said either write more on my blog , more often, or he was going to quit reading.  Baby brothers right?  So I said to him, “well, I doubt you would abandon me like that.  Rude.”  And he said, “watch me.”  (Mind you this is the same baby brother that one Thanksgiving sold me on the idea of when asked at the table after grace what we were thankful for, both saying, ‘I’m not thankful for jack-shit’ because it would get a huge laugh..well, I did and he didn’t and I spent the rest of the day in my room, without turkey….) so I wouldn’t put it past him…It hit home, and I don’t want to lose him as a reader or anyone for that matter due to lack of content, so I figured I would write a little something something today.  But I did have to explain to him that my blog is Ketch Up with Caroline, not Konstant Contact with Caroline.  Brothers.

Not that I haven’t had some wacky adventures over these past few weeks, because believe me, it’s been quite exciting…. Last week there was a pigeon massacre outside my apartment to the point where the cops were called in and I was questioned because I guess it’s pretty public knowledge I hate birds.  Little pigeon bodies laying all over the street…..that was bad, but the little outlines of their bodies when they were removed was -  just sad…I was cleared, air-tight alibi.  (slow wink.)

As I am sitting in my office (Starbucks) writing, the 305 has been without water, which always makes for a good time.   Apparently a “huge” pipe broke and they “are working on it.”  Both floors of our parking garage are flooded and I am debating taking a bath in the Starbucks’ bathroom sink.  (I am just kidding Mom)

I went on my first audition, no word back yet…Enjoyed a little midnight run through Watts in my cowboy boots and Prada trench coat....on accident....I had my phone stolen...and to top it all off, two weeks ago someone got a-hold of my social security number and bank account information and cleared me out.  Suckers……

But….In all honesty, I think I have writers block..or something….I guess it’s more I don’t feel like I am where I should be…. not in body, because I know LA is my home and this is where I belong, and believe me when I say it, I love it here.  But, more in spirit and life….like the world is spinning and I am running all around like I am on fire, screaming and waving my hands like I am trying to be rescued off a deserted island and everyone else is just swimming along with huge smiles on their faces, some even waving to me.  I am frantic thinking what, wait, help, hello – anyone?

Or, to make it more true to life, it seems like I am all dressed up and ready to go... I am sitting, waiting at a bus stop in my Sunday’s best  for “my bus” to pull up… I am so ready for it, so excited because it’s my bus!!   As soon as it gets here, it’s all going to start, my life!!!!!!!!  So excited!!!! When it comes, the driver will open the door, I get on and there are balloons and all my favorite music and all my friends and family and Charlie and an awesome guy with tulips in his hand - all there to welcome me to my life!!!  Then…the driver shuts the door and we are on our way!  The first stop is an agent, next stop a guest role on CSI Miami, next stop a starring role on CSI Chicago. (New city, for the new star) next stop, my blog takes off into a tv series, next stop it becomes a movie and from the movie, next stop, I get smaller parts, next stop bigger parts , next stop my Academy Award winning role of a life time!!!  My bus is great!  I am so excited, this is everything I could want, dream, hope for times a billion! 

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee, (hands in fists shaking them up in the air, big smile!) I am so excited for it to come!!!!

So I will wait!!! 

I’m waiting……..

Just sitting here, waiting……..

Waiting……….

So….where’s my freaking bus? 

I am ready.

Bring it.

I wait, buses pass.  Nope…not that one.  That one didn’t stop.  Check my watch.  Look down the street, smile, straighten my skirt.  When is it coming?

I see a lot of buses on the road, none are stopping for me.  

Then it clicks.  Well, more like an earthquake erupted through my body and my heart was the epicenter.  I have got this all wrong.  (It makes me tear up.)  I am a freaking idiot.  I look like the girl who got stood-up for prom and my parents are in the other room calling my cousin to see if he can come and save the day by being my date. 

What I am waiting for is never going to come.  I could spend my entire life on this bus stop bench and I could die here waiting.  Missing out on what is on my dream bus because I am on the sidelines, hoping for it to come, wishing it would come, waiting for it to come.  And it is never, ever coming.

It’s not coming because that’s not the way it happens.  (Light bulbs are popping all around. ) It doesn’t happen like that.   It’s not supposed to happen like that…It can’t.

So it hits me hard and then like this epiphany, it comes clear.  Clear because I have, years ago, written about a person’s life is like a bus.  So I know the content very well.  I have expressed it vividly in words and I understand it.  Applying it is what I need to do now. 

See…

I have often said and believe, life is like a bus.  We, each individual alive on this Earth, are “drivers” of our bus.  Our route, well, that would be our life journey/path we decide to take/direction we want to go.  We, as bus drivers, get to determine where we decide to stop along the way and for how long.   We also get to choose who our passengers on the bus (in life) are and if we not longer want them on our bus, we can, hopefully politely, ask them to de-board our bus.  When you really sit back and think about it, it makes sense, unless you’ve never ridden on a bus…if that’s the case, come stay a weekend in LA with me, and you’re be an expert in no time….

So then, if I get that, why am I not acting on it?   I am showing up, but for what?  Am I stitting here waiting for all this “life” to happen meanwhile my life is happening and I am driving around with my lights off, bus empty, aimlessly?

Oh God, I am. For whatever reason, I lost the core concept of life.  A concept I created!!! 

Instead of doing, I am waiting. 

I can wait no longer.

Until next post,

Caroline

In honor of Father’s day, I dedicate this post to my Godfather, Alfred….to those of you that he had the honor and pleasure to know, you understand what a special person he was to me and my brothers.  Many times in LA I have found myself wishing he was here to talk to me, advise me and set my shit straight.  

I thought it was supposed to get easier with time.  I wonder if by time, they meant eons.  XO