On your mark! Get set! Wait....it will come! (what?)

This morning I was talking with my editor,,,,,, I mean armchair editor,,,,,, I mean judgmental baby brother, and he said he needed more.  To be exact he said either write more on my blog , more often, or he was going to quit reading.  Baby brothers right?  So I said to him, “well, I doubt you would abandon me like that.  Rude.”  And he said, “watch me.”  (Mind you this is the same baby brother that one Thanksgiving sold me on the idea of when asked at the table after grace what we were thankful for, both saying, ‘I’m not thankful for jack-shit’ because it would get a huge laugh..well, I did and he didn’t and I spent the rest of the day in my room, without turkey….) so I wouldn’t put it past him…It hit home, and I don’t want to lose him as a reader or anyone for that matter due to lack of content, so I figured I would write a little something something today.  But I did have to explain to him that my blog is Ketch Up with Caroline, not Konstant Contact with Caroline.  Brothers.

Not that I haven’t had some wacky adventures over these past few weeks, because believe me, it’s been quite exciting…. Last week there was a pigeon massacre outside my apartment to the point where the cops were called in and I was questioned because I guess it’s pretty public knowledge I hate birds.  Little pigeon bodies laying all over the street…..that was bad, but the little outlines of their bodies when they were removed was -  just sad…I was cleared, air-tight alibi.  (slow wink.)

As I am sitting in my office (Starbucks) writing, the 305 has been without water, which always makes for a good time.   Apparently a “huge” pipe broke and they “are working on it.”  Both floors of our parking garage are flooded and I am debating taking a bath in the Starbucks’ bathroom sink.  (I am just kidding Mom)

I went on my first audition, no word back yet…Enjoyed a little midnight run through Watts in my cowboy boots and Prada trench coat....on accident....I had my phone stolen...and to top it all off, two weeks ago someone got a-hold of my social security number and bank account information and cleared me out.  Suckers……

But….In all honesty, I think I have writers block..or something….I guess it’s more I don’t feel like I am where I should be…. not in body, because I know LA is my home and this is where I belong, and believe me when I say it, I love it here.  But, more in spirit and life….like the world is spinning and I am running all around like I am on fire, screaming and waving my hands like I am trying to be rescued off a deserted island and everyone else is just swimming along with huge smiles on their faces, some even waving to me.  I am frantic thinking what, wait, help, hello – anyone?

Or, to make it more true to life, it seems like I am all dressed up and ready to go... I am sitting, waiting at a bus stop in my Sunday’s best  for “my bus” to pull up… I am so ready for it, so excited because it’s my bus!!   As soon as it gets here, it’s all going to start, my life!!!!!!!!  So excited!!!! When it comes, the driver will open the door, I get on and there are balloons and all my favorite music and all my friends and family and Charlie and an awesome guy with tulips in his hand - all there to welcome me to my life!!!  Then…the driver shuts the door and we are on our way!  The first stop is an agent, next stop a guest role on CSI Miami, next stop a starring role on CSI Chicago. (New city, for the new star) next stop, my blog takes off into a tv series, next stop it becomes a movie and from the movie, next stop, I get smaller parts, next stop bigger parts , next stop my Academy Award winning role of a life time!!!  My bus is great!  I am so excited, this is everything I could want, dream, hope for times a billion! 

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee, (hands in fists shaking them up in the air, big smile!) I am so excited for it to come!!!!

So I will wait!!! 

I’m waiting……..

Just sitting here, waiting……..

Waiting……….

So….where’s my freaking bus? 

I am ready.

Bring it.

I wait, buses pass.  Nope…not that one.  That one didn’t stop.  Check my watch.  Look down the street, smile, straighten my skirt.  When is it coming?

I see a lot of buses on the road, none are stopping for me.  

Then it clicks.  Well, more like an earthquake erupted through my body and my heart was the epicenter.  I have got this all wrong.  (It makes me tear up.)  I am a freaking idiot.  I look like the girl who got stood-up for prom and my parents are in the other room calling my cousin to see if he can come and save the day by being my date. 

What I am waiting for is never going to come.  I could spend my entire life on this bus stop bench and I could die here waiting.  Missing out on what is on my dream bus because I am on the sidelines, hoping for it to come, wishing it would come, waiting for it to come.  And it is never, ever coming.

It’s not coming because that’s not the way it happens.  (Light bulbs are popping all around. ) It doesn’t happen like that.   It’s not supposed to happen like that…It can’t.

So it hits me hard and then like this epiphany, it comes clear.  Clear because I have, years ago, written about a person’s life is like a bus.  So I know the content very well.  I have expressed it vividly in words and I understand it.  Applying it is what I need to do now. 

See…

I have often said and believe, life is like a bus.  We, each individual alive on this Earth, are “drivers” of our bus.  Our route, well, that would be our life journey/path we decide to take/direction we want to go.  We, as bus drivers, get to determine where we decide to stop along the way and for how long.   We also get to choose who our passengers on the bus (in life) are and if we not longer want them on our bus, we can, hopefully politely, ask them to de-board our bus.  When you really sit back and think about it, it makes sense, unless you’ve never ridden on a bus…if that’s the case, come stay a weekend in LA with me, and you’re be an expert in no time….

So then, if I get that, why am I not acting on it?   I am showing up, but for what?  Am I stitting here waiting for all this “life” to happen meanwhile my life is happening and I am driving around with my lights off, bus empty, aimlessly?

Oh God, I am. For whatever reason, I lost the core concept of life.  A concept I created!!! 

Instead of doing, I am waiting. 

I can wait no longer.

Until next post,

Caroline

In honor of Father’s day, I dedicate this post to my Godfather, Alfred….to those of you that he had the honor and pleasure to know, you understand what a special person he was to me and my brothers.  Many times in LA I have found myself wishing he was here to talk to me, advise me and set my shit straight.  

I thought it was supposed to get easier with time.  I wonder if by time, they meant eons.  XO

 

Home again, home again, jiggity gig.

I feel like my life has been pretty uneventful lately…which, for all intent and purpose is a damn good thing.  So I was sitting on the roof of my building this morning thinking I really need to update my blog and let y’all know what’s going on.  But then I was like, as of late, life's been pretty boring…but once I gave it a little more thought…it all started flooding in.  Who am I kidding….

Okay so where to begin…well, I don’t think I have told you all the story about my new apt, which, and I will totally dive into this later, has a magic portal….I know. You’re all like, put down the crack pipe and get on the next plane back to Houston.  No crack, but a lot of imagination and once you experience it, you will want a hit. 

Trust me.

Finding a place to live in LA is a tricky ordeal.  First you must decide what you can afford, then where you want to live, then your ideal housemates (if you need to share) then what amenities you want in your place….factor all that in and then settle on what you can afford.  Who’s kidding who here.  Ideally, I would be in Malibu in a fat pad with glass walls, insane kitchen for hosting dinners, an infinity pool looking over the ocean and a staff, a small staff.  That, will come.  For now, I have champagne taste on a beer budget, which is fine.  I am from Texas, I’m good with beer, for the time being.

So I do what all newcomers do, get an LA Weekly, update my subscription to Craigslist, ask friends about places and start the hunt for my new home.

As some of you know, I moved to LA in Jan, stayed a month or so with a very good friend from High School, then stayed a week with a very good new friend in Burbank, then lived the high life on the Sunset Strip with a couple guys I grew up with from Texas…It was awesome because I was able to familiarize myself with the lay of the land, got to know where I did and didn’t want to live and was able to focus on getting myself firmly into the pulse of Los Angeles. 

But, in staying with friends for the first three months of my journey, it was a security blanket for me.  In and good and bad way…Good because these all were people I have known before moving to LA, knew for years and made me feel welcome and wanted around them.  So when it was time for the baby bird to leave the Sunset Strip nest, it was hard.  I am sure they guys were ready to get rid of me, but it was another goodbye, another time to grow, another time to go.  It was kind of sad.  And the kicker is I was only moving 3 miles away, but it was the end of a chapter and we all knew it.  As I was getting into the taxi on the night I was leaving with all my stuff (read shoes) and felt that empty feeling in my soul again, but this time, there was excitement and hope right behind it.  As I say goodbye, they ask me to stay, momentary insanity I’m sure, we hug, I tell them how much their kindness and love means to me and shut the door.  It’s a very poetic moment, light drizzle, girl in cab leaving, guy on the curb waving and tell the driver my address.  I look down and think, this is scary.  I am so going to miss those guys.  A couple minutes later I get a text, Miss you already…please come back! 

It’s going to be OK.

New home, here I come!

Before I introduce you to the 305 (my new home), I must share with you how I came to live here….

After checking out a ton of places…one, for example was a home “just north of Hollywood proper” in North Pasadena.  I wasn’t 100% sure of the distance North Pasadena was, but when I spoke to the girl on the phone, she said it wasn’t far…Okay, cool…I will jump on the bus, Google informed me it was just one that would take me door to door…sweet.  I grab a bottle of wine (I hate showing up empty handed) as a “thank you for the consideration” gift and hit the road.  After 2 hours on the bus, with stops, I am beginning to think this place is way too far…but I have come all this way, the gal was super nice, so what did I have to lose. 

I get off the bus in this quaint neighborhood and walk up to the house.  I see like 5 cat bowls…Not too much of a cat fan, but that’s not a deal breaker.  She opens the front door as I am checking out the cat buffet and she says, “we have a lot of strays we like to feed and help out.” 

Strays?  Nervously I laugh and give her the bottle of wine…In my mind, this was a kind gesture….later, I found out, it was a sober living environment.  (Strike 1)  then I am informed house guests are not really recommended (Strike 2) and just so I knew, we’d have weekly meetings to discuss house-issues.  (Strike 3 – I’m out.)

Okay so that was a bust. 

So I turn to the LA Weekly and start skimming the home ads...one catches my eye...
In a nutshell the ad said this:

West Hollywood.  Great location.  Beautiful old home with a basement apartment, a dungeon - no windows, but a/c and plenty of space to create, completely furnished.  $1000 a month, or by the week.   Animals OK.

Well here’s why this is right up my alley…

1. I love the West Hollywood area or “WeHo” as the locals call it..it’s fun, hip, safe and very centrally located.  I stayed in WeHo when I first got to LA, so this is great.

2. I love old homes…not antiques, but that’s a whole other blog within itself, old homes have character and charm. 

3. A dungeon suits me just fine..I don’t need windows and plus it will make me want to spend as much time as possible outside, awesome.

4. A/C – hello!

5. Plenty of room to create…as a writer, I need creative space with quiet and this sounds ideal.

6. Completely furnished!  This is fantastic since all my stuff is still in Houston!

7. Right in-line with my $1,000 a month budget.

8. Pets OK!  Charlie is welcome!

SLAM DUNK!

I call the number…The owner of the place sounded super cool and said it was still available!  Hold it, cuz I’m on my way!  I am soo excited.  I throw on my backpack, grab my checkbook and hit the streets for the 2 mile walk to my new home.  I believe there was even a bounce in my step.  On my way there, I am picturing how I am going to decorate my new creative space with my art and drafting table and all things that inspire me, and of course - Charlie.

I get to the house and it’s precious, your typical California home complete with a front porch, beautiful mini-rose garden and the sweet sound of wind chimes blowing in the breeze.  Heaven.

Ricky, the owner, answered the door, so sweet and was like, Hi and I was like, Hi!  I said, “I am Caroline Parker, I just spoke to you on the phone!  I am so excited about your creative dungeon!  It sounds perfect for me and I love the fact I can hide out and do my business without anyone knowing!”

I kept talking and talking, going on and on about how excited about this place I was, we go down the steps to the basement and he unlocks the door.  It’s really safe because there was 4 deadbolt locks on there!  No one breaking in here and my Mom will appreciate that.  I am so excited I can hardly wait, we walk in, he flips on the lights…..

What the f………………….

                 Holy shit………………………………it’s a dungeon.

                                     A   D U N G E O N.

Ricky said, “what do you think?  Do you think this will be good space for you to create in?” and he winks at me.  Oh my stars, which I am seeing a ton of at this moment because for whatever reason I was just thrown into a time and space I didn’t even know existed…my entire conversation with him played back in my head, “I don’t need windows, I like it dark, the space will help me create, I love the fact I can do my business without anyone knowing.”  Oh my God….I am an S&M Mistress. 

This has been a HUGE mistake.  But I had to think fast or this dude would think I was a freak.  The Dungeon owner.  You know what I mean.  So I just switched into gears and was like, what kind of straps you got in here…and these chains, what’s a…what’s the load capacity?  (I wanted to die.)

I kicked the bed for structural soundness and told him I would need to talk it over with my team (I don’t know) and thanked him very much for his time.  No, no I never called back.  It was a lovely dungeon though, if you’re into that sort of thing.  Hey, I am not here to judge.

Am I ever going to find a home?  

And just like always, the winds, they change……

That weekend I was hanging out with friends when I got a text from a girl I met in my first session at The Second City…

”You still looking for an apt to rent?  I need a roommate.”

“Does it have windows?”

“Yes”

 “I’m in”

Welcome to the 305!  Located on the border of Los Feliz and Thai Town…I have renamed it Loz Thai.  And I love it. 

We have a great apt, two-story, two-bedroom, two-bathroom, one balcony and a roof-top deck with a fantastic view of Griffith observatory and I discovered a magic portal that takes me places I never imagined going.  I shot a little video of it for you...enjoy.

Until next post,

Caroline

Hip Hop HOORAY for LA!

Hip,,Hop,,,Hooray for LA? 

What's so hip-hop-hooray-amazing you ask and who is this blogging on Caroline's blog - I know....insane huh?  A good insane though...and the amazing is…Life in LA…that’s what -  and you know, every day I am more and more thrilled I am here…This town is awesome...I am so glad I pushed through the tough times and have finally begun to smile…every day…Hallajuah!  

I think the best part about being here is I am still here.  Trust me, there were many times, more than I care to count, as I am sure you all know too well, I was ready to give up and go back to Houston...But for whatever reason - sheer insanity, ruthless perseverance or silly pride - whatever you want to call it, I sucked it up...Couch surfed, flirted with becoming homeless, swallowed my pride and shared the blackest depths of this journey for all the world to see, because it's real and it's possible.  It's scary as hell, but when the good happens, it's good.  So good it's intoxicating. 

And my God, it feels great to still be here...I have come full circle and appreciate the tiniest of things...my own bed...my own coffee maker...my own rooftop deck to sip a glass of wine on and breath...and I cherish the support, prayers and love...and on occasion, the tough love (my Mom for example....I told her at one point I was done and wanted to come home, she said, "ok - come on.....but in all honesty, I never would have thought you'd give up this easily."  My baby brother via text, "Well, one of the hardest steps is over. Just going is a huge accomplishment. We are all really proud. It doesn't get easier from here, so work hard, rely on your talents, and follow you passion. Don't come home with out a sitcom or movie deal. You will do fine." Yeah,,,, tough love...)

I believe the first hurdle is over...Now it's time to get down to business and never lose hope or say I am going back.  I am not.  I got this.  I know it...I will never forget these past 4 months.  They have made me a better, stronger person and it will show in my life and my work...I will never forget why I am here or lose who I am. 

Ah..here comes some more awesome...So last weekend, I went to this killer party at Diamond Supply Co. on Fairfax, just north of Beverly in West Hollywood. 

Let me set the scene…

My friend and I earlier in the day head out to the Grammy museum (I know, I had no idea either) because I had read in the LA Weekly they had this entire history of hip hop exhibit and my friend, being from Brooklyn and down with hip hop, and I, decided to check it out.   Let me tell you what, I now know what the One/Two’s are, saw Eminem and Tupac’s hand written lyrics, what MC actually means (Master of Ceremonies, not Emcee like I thought...), “peeped” the Hip-Hop-umentary on the Beastie Boys….AND walked away with a cherry bracelet made of guitar strings! 

Yeah, it was beyond fun. 

So after the museum he mentions a hip hop party we should check out…I was like, well, let’s go get a drink (right????) and think about it…I was pretty hip-hopped out and wasn’t really feeling it….We decided on a cool little dive bar near where the party was and he was like, "we really should check out this deal at Diamond Supply Co. after this drink."

My ears perk up, “Did you say Diamonds?  Diamond Supply???”

I am so down with Diamonds, all things bling, I was like – YES!  Let’s go.  Why didn’t you say so!  You know, best friends and all…how could I say no to that…

Well…..There were tons of diamonds at this joint, but none for sale, it's actually a skate board/skate apparel - all things cool shop.....but diamonds indeed were in full force - all dripping off the people that were enjoying the open bar, chatting it up and getting down with the beats being pumped out by THE DJ from Cypress Hill (I KNOW!) and he is THE DJ from Soul Assassins (I DON’T KNOW, BUT HE WAS AWESOME!)

 DJ MUGGS!!

It was, by far, one of the best nights yet in LA…Unexpected goodness.

Unexpected is awesome…That’s what this city is all about and I am madly in love!

I did, I must admit, feel a tiny bit out of place since I am without tattoos, piercings or magical Nike sneakers….

And it didn’t help my friend said I was dressed “way too business casual” for the event…but whatever, I had a blast, met a ton of awesome new friends and, I did get some dope orange and silver kicks the very next day…(and just by the way, I have already had some OG's tell me how fly they are...)

How’s that for business casual son!!

Until next post,
Caroline

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As Mr. T always says...

I pity the fool!

April first, already?

It’s hard to believe that it’s April first already.  Let’s not even get into the fact this is another one of those bogus “holiday’s” or whatever you want to call it.  I am not a fan of  fools, April Fool’s jokes, pranks, wolf-crying, whatever you want to call it…I used to, back in the day…but now, not so much….why?  Well, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice….you’re good.  But chances are, I will never believe a word you say again.  (Pretty dramatic, huh?   Yes, yes it is,,,but it’s true.)

Personally I think this prank playing day is dumb.  Why?  Well, we all know the story about the boy who cried wolf..and I am not a believer in playing those cards in such a caviler manner.  It’s the law of crying bullshit to the point of where no one longer believes you…and with my path, the crazier of the stories…the truer they really are.  So I take extreme caution in making stuff up to get a rise out of people, because for me, all I have to do is look around and there is crazy everywhere….

Don’t believe me?  You be the judge….

Crazy #1 –

I was casually walking back to my house on Santa Monica Boulevard the other day when this man stepped out of a little boutique with his daughter, Pashmina.  (Huh….I get the desire to have a French sounding name to mystify your daughter, but Pashmina.  That’s a scarf.  Yes, it’s made out of cashmere; but nonetheless, it’s a fancy name for a fancy scarf.)  I digress. 

So this dude comes out of this building talking in a very outside voice “Pashmina, baby girl, come, Daddy is running so late and we still need to get you to the nail salon…Pashy, comeeee baby…”  And in my mind, I am thinking, Ah…this guy has a little girl that he’s taking to the nail salon and spending the day with her….and then I see his little girl.

                                   

I couldn’t fabricate this if I tried. (I was so excited to share this with you all.  I was like, NO ONE is going to believe this and I have got to blog about it.  But, mere words won’t do it justice….I need a photo.  How am I going to get a photo of Pashmina without seeming like I am a freak or rude.)  Thank God I think fast on my feet…I said, “Awww, what a precious little baby girl!  (literally having an internal battle with my face to contain it from busting out in laughter)  She is darling!  Oh, would you mind if I took a photo of your sweet little girl?”  (Because I had to share this with my readers!) 

What ensued you wonder?  Basically a 30-minute photo shoot, orchestrated by Pashy’s Daddy for the perfect photo.  Apparently I am not the first blogger to meet his little angel.

Crazy #2 –

I love this one because I don’t need to really write anything to go with it.  You know the old saying, pictures say 1,000 words…or something like that…But I will.  Now, I am not one to be judgmental (out loud) but…this was just beggin’ for a photo and a prime place of positing. 

                       

Yes.  It’s true.  Sad, but true.  (If this is your car, I am sorry, and  - shame on you.)

I get product placement, but this crosses the line of capitalism into insanity.  Then,,,,then like a gift from above, I see the driver….it all made sense.

                      

 Crazy #3 –

I am walking down Santa Monica again, (maybe the city should rename this street to Crazy Lane…) I was heading back to my house having just bought some stuff from Trader Joe’s.  Buy “stuff” I mean bottles of Two Buck Chuck.  It’s a staple in my reusable bag. 

So I cross La Cienega, and right in front of the CVS a man approaches me.  (Don’t get too excited, it was a homeless man….ANY ONE else it would have been Christian Bale or Dane Cook asking them out, but no, nope…not me…) So this homeless man comes up to me and was all, “Oh…Trader Joe’s…I love Trader Joe’s!”  and I was like, “Me too!”(Awkward but whatever)

So then he goes, “Miss, you wouldn’t happen to have any spare change would you?” (apparently this guy doesn’t read my blog…if he did, he would know I never have cash.  Yes, still, I still have not gotten my pin number.  I AM TRYING TO FIND A JOB!) 

Anyway, he asks for some change, anything…And, of course, I don’t have a cent on me.   I said, “Oh, I am so sorry Sir, but I don’t have any money.”  I totally looked like a huge liar holding bags full of Two Buck Chuck…and he goes, “Really Miss, I am starving.”  And I was like, maybe if you read my blog…”Seriously Sir, I am so sorry, but I really don’t have any money.” And he shot me this look like, “YOU ARE A LIAR LADY.”  I felt the shame too. 

He so sadly looked down to the ground, and I think maybe even kicked his foot in an “aw shucks” way and said, “well thank you anyway Miss…have a wonderful day.”

I thanked him and started to walk off…DAMN IT.  I feel horrible.  I WAS next to a CVS and I did have some money, not much…but I could spare something…so I walked into CVS and this particular CVS has like a little pre-made deli sandwich area…so I looked around and decided to play it safe and picked up a PB&J sandwich.  I then went to the chip aisle, grabbed some OG nacho cheese Doritos and a king size Snicker bar.  (What?  He said he was starving and it’s CVS, my options were limited.)

So I paid for his meal and hot-footed it out of the store feeling good, like I am helping my fellow Los Angeline.  Big smile on my face, I look around for him…I could not have been in there more than 5 minutes and he was gone.  Vanished.  Ugh, I don’t even like PB&J’s….So I have failed in helping my fellow man, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him walking 2 blocks down the street….

Failing to get the man’s name during our first exchange, I couldn’t call out to him and I had a feeling shouting, “homeless Sir, homeless Sir” wouldn’t be too cool…So I start to run to catch up with him.  Mind you I have two bags of groceries complete with 4 bottles of wine, so I need to be cautious, but this dude was trucking and I needed to give him his lunch!

Looking like a total ass, trying to run as fast as I can without destroying the bread in my bag or breaking my bottles of vino, I finally catch up to him.

-       Here comes the crazy part –

I say, “Sir, excuse me Sir?”  And he turns around and looks at me like I am a stranger, “Yessss?”  “Hi, remember me, we chatted back there by the CVS.  Um, you asked me for some spare change because you were starving and wanted to get something to eat and I was all, ‘I am so sorry, but I don’t have any money….”

He was all, “Go on…”  YES – he said ‘go on’ to me.  (But at the time, it didn’t phase me because I had a lot on my mind…the bread squishing, the bottles of wine breaking, running in my flip-flops, was I ever going to find an agent…)

So I went on…”Well, I honestly didn’t have any cash, and I felt bad that I couldn’t help you.  So I went into CVS and bought you some lunch.”  Big smile on my face, holding the sack out to him, ready to accept his appreciation…

“What’s that” nodding to the bag I was holding out to him. 

“It’s some food.   A sandwich, some chips and a candy bar.”

“What kind of sandwich?”

What, did he just….

“What?”

“What kind of sandwich, I don’t eat meat.”

(AGAIN, at this time, this really doesn’t phase me.)

“Oh, it’s peanut butter and jelly”

“What flavor jelly?”

Wait…did he….

By this time I have composed myself so I was “in the conversation” and I started to get a bit perturbed that this STARVING homeless man was questioning my gift of food to him.

“I don’t know man, jelly.  I also got you chips and a candy bar.”

“Chips and candy bars have preservatives and wheat.  I don’t eat processed foods, packaged foods or anything that’s not gluten-free.”

Huh. 

Wow.

This is not happening. 

(I look around for Ashton Kutcher to yell, PUNKED!  HAHAHA, you just got PUNKED!)

Not so.

At this point, I really have nothing to say, nothing to say – I know, me…but it’s true.  I have nothing to say.  Here is the healthiest homeless man on Earth and he is rejecting my act of human kindness. 

I drop the bag with his lunch down to my side and I give him this look like, UN – BE – LEAVE – ABLE

He then asks,,,,

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

“Do you got the receipt?”

Like Mr. T always says, I pity the fools...

Until next post,

Caroline

The Bad, the Good and the Promise…

The roller coaster of emotions...up, down.... happy, sad... hopeless, full of life... scared, safe... laughter, crying….Roller coaster.

THE BAD:

I was venting to my friend back home the other day about how the situation I am in right now sucks and she was all, "You need to blog and write about it."  I love to write, it’s therapeutic, but in my heart, I was like…noooooo…I….don’t. 

I sure don’t want to let all the people who read my blog and believe in me, know what a huge slump I’m in and that I am really feeling hopeless right now.

I used to love having a blog, that way all my friends and family could keep up with my exciting and wacky adventures in Los Angeles…Now, not so much…Why you ask?  Well because I have invited everyone I know, have met or meet on the streets into my life and when my life isn’t going as planned, my failures are exposed to all.  No one likes to live through failures, let alone re-cap them in print for anyone to read.  No one really wants to read about hopelessness and failure, do they?  Do you?

I know, I asked for it and did it to myself, and I get that.  But it’s really tough to not only have to go through this, but to have to share the fact it’s not going well with all of you.  It’s hard to find a job out here...not even an acting job, but like a regular day job.  I have applied to everything from waiting tables, bartending, catering, banquet gigs, nanny gigs, manager positions, tour bus guide, promotions, marketing.....

Being job-less is the worst feeling in the world.  I feel pretty worthless and even when I think I have nailed an interview, for whatever reason, I don’t get the job.  See, I have always found a way to get work and never stressed out about a job... until now .  Thank God I can design and build awesome websites, which is sustaining my living expenses in the meantime.  But even with the website work, I work by myself, wherever I can (coffee shops) which means little or no interaction with other people.  That, within itself, sucks. 

I just don’t know what else to do!  I keep asking myself, "Have you done all you can do?" "Because if the answer is yes, then yeah – maybe this isn’t for you Caroline."  "Maybe you don’t have what it takes to make it out here in LA…That’s cool, you tried, you failed, now go back to Houston and – well, figure it out there."   But if my answer is, I think I have, or I don’t know…then I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself and find a way to make this happen! 

So I need a job.  And a place to live.  I miss my bed and my things and especially, Charlie.  I miss my dog and until I get my own place, I am without him.  For those of you that know Charlie, you know what a source of happiness he is for me.  Without him, I feel very much alone.

THE GOOD:

I am alive!  That, in a nutshell, is pretty amazing.  I have life and regardless of the outcome, I am pursing my personal journey. 

I have the best people rooting for me from all over the globe.  Although that comes with pressure to not fail or let you all down, I am so honored to have you all care about me so much.  Friends and family who I know and love and those of you I have never even met.  It’s heartwarming. 

I have reconnected with friends from Houston that I went to school with or knew one way or another, who I never thought would be in my life at this point.   And not only are they in my life, they are solid people who have traveled down the very same road that I am on and they are supporting me in every way possible.

I have met a ton of amazing, talented people in LA….Singers, my Second City friends, Houstonians here in LA!, stand-up comics, hair-stylists, producers,  friends of friends, waiters/waitresses, people in the industry, people who would never ever want to be in the industry…all so awesome.  I feel so lucky just to be here.

My Mom….she is the best.  I know at times I make her want to pull her hair out and I am sure she has often thought about how easier her life would be if she would have just left me at the hospital….but she is the best thing in my life.

THE PROMISE:

Well, okay, no, it won’t be that awesome if I leave LA without accomplishing any of my goals...so for now, for the next 7 days, I will give it 200%, everything I have.  I will report in every day and update you all as to where I am and we will, together, take the next seven days on.  Head-up, positive attitude, smile on my face, with everything we have. 

And on an end note, if one more person from LA, Houston, NYC or anywhere on the globe for that matter sends me a smug note or comment or email saying how hard it is to make it in LA and what a tough, bad town this is and how people get eaten alive....SAVE IT 

Stop reading my blog. 

I don’t need that now, or actually, never needed it.  I get it, it’s hard, you tried or know someone who tried or read about a failed attempt about making it in the “biz” here and it didn’t end as expected. I am so sorry it didn’t work out. 

But this is MY journey, MY experiences, MY life.  If you don’t have anything nice or constructive to say, don’t say it.  You’re not helping.  I appreciate your need to share, but it’s not constructive.  I have my own path to go on and I don’t need people saying, basically, “I told you so.”

Until tomorrow,

Caroline

Hanged or Hanging on?

I know, I know….what kind of a blogger doesn’t post for over two weeks and leaves her readers in the lurch as to her where abouts and going on’s?   It’s rude and inconsiderate and where do writers such as myself get off behaving like that.  What kind of a professional do I think I am?

The kind that started to believe and buy in to what every one had warned her about… Getting acting work and “making it” in Los Angeles is damn near impossible.  Many people warned me I was going to move out here, give it a shot and I would see how hard it was, how cruel the people can be, no good Mexican food and I would return to Houston having comfort in giving it my best.  But at least tried, right?

I was thisclose last week to cashing in my chips and began to figure out a way to get back to Houston.  I don’t have a permanent place to live and thought after 6 weeks I would have found something, ANYTHING and I finally realized why the Southland has so many homeless people – duh, they came out to LA to pursue their personal journey of winning an Academy Award, like me, ran out of money, like me, couldn’t find a place to live, like me, or a day job, like me,  while they were taking classes at Second City, JUST like me, and couldn’t scratch up enough change to get back to wherever it was they came from... oh what a sad fate I have in store, but…it all makes sense….and I tried!  I gave it my best and you know, maybe this isn’t for me...

And then, I heard my heart ask, did you really, truly, give it your best? 

Upon arriving in Los Angeles 7 weeks ago, a good friend of mine suggested I read Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist.  For those of you that haven’t read it, it’s a story about a Spanish Shepherd on his personal journey to find his treasure in Egypt.  I was reading it the other day and I came across a passage,

“What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not do this because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. 

That’s the point at which most people give up. 

It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees appeared in the horizon.’

Every search begins with beginner’s luck.  And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

I started thinking, have I done all I can do and am I ready to throw down my headshots and stick up my hands in surrender?   Have I tried every possible avenue for a day job and an apartment and have I given this city and my goals, a fair chance?  Or did I have unrealistic expectations and need to continue to show up, be here and find a way to make this happen.  I hear my heart, I know this is where I am supposed to be and I don’t want to take off on a Boeing 747 and look out the window and see palm trees behind me.

A friend once told me a long time ago, when you get to the end of your rope, you have two options….get hanged or hang on.  She suggested the latter.  Well, I never really understood the severity or the sense that made, until now.

My rope is my journey here in LA….I am at the point where there is a knot.  I can either quit and get hanged which = go home and realize my quest was unsuccessful.  OR, I can tie a knot and hang on.  

My hands are bloody with rope burns but I am hanging on very tightly.   This is my personal journey and one I will accomplish.  Not over night, not easily, but with sheer will, guidance from my heart and support from my friends and family.  I have all that, it’s in me and I know it. 

Among all the uncertainty and fear about the future, I am wrapped in a blanket of peace.  A peace in my heart because I am on my personal journey.  I am here in LA and I will, without a doubt, accomplish my dreams.

I will not give up, I will fight for this until I am successful.  Please, don’t you give up on me either.

Until next post (and I promise it will be soon)

- Caroline