As Mr. T always says...

I pity the fool!

April first, already?

It’s hard to believe that it’s April first already.  Let’s not even get into the fact this is another one of those bogus “holiday’s” or whatever you want to call it.  I am not a fan of  fools, April Fool’s jokes, pranks, wolf-crying, whatever you want to call it…I used to, back in the day…but now, not so much….why?  Well, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice….you’re good.  But chances are, I will never believe a word you say again.  (Pretty dramatic, huh?   Yes, yes it is,,,but it’s true.)

Personally I think this prank playing day is dumb.  Why?  Well, we all know the story about the boy who cried wolf..and I am not a believer in playing those cards in such a caviler manner.  It’s the law of crying bullshit to the point of where no one longer believes you…and with my path, the crazier of the stories…the truer they really are.  So I take extreme caution in making stuff up to get a rise out of people, because for me, all I have to do is look around and there is crazy everywhere….

Don’t believe me?  You be the judge….

Crazy #1 –

I was casually walking back to my house on Santa Monica Boulevard the other day when this man stepped out of a little boutique with his daughter, Pashmina.  (Huh….I get the desire to have a French sounding name to mystify your daughter, but Pashmina.  That’s a scarf.  Yes, it’s made out of cashmere; but nonetheless, it’s a fancy name for a fancy scarf.)  I digress. 

So this dude comes out of this building talking in a very outside voice “Pashmina, baby girl, come, Daddy is running so late and we still need to get you to the nail salon…Pashy, comeeee baby…”  And in my mind, I am thinking, Ah…this guy has a little girl that he’s taking to the nail salon and spending the day with her….and then I see his little girl.

                                   

I couldn’t fabricate this if I tried. (I was so excited to share this with you all.  I was like, NO ONE is going to believe this and I have got to blog about it.  But, mere words won’t do it justice….I need a photo.  How am I going to get a photo of Pashmina without seeming like I am a freak or rude.)  Thank God I think fast on my feet…I said, “Awww, what a precious little baby girl!  (literally having an internal battle with my face to contain it from busting out in laughter)  She is darling!  Oh, would you mind if I took a photo of your sweet little girl?”  (Because I had to share this with my readers!) 

What ensued you wonder?  Basically a 30-minute photo shoot, orchestrated by Pashy’s Daddy for the perfect photo.  Apparently I am not the first blogger to meet his little angel.

Crazy #2 –

I love this one because I don’t need to really write anything to go with it.  You know the old saying, pictures say 1,000 words…or something like that…But I will.  Now, I am not one to be judgmental (out loud) but…this was just beggin’ for a photo and a prime place of positing. 

                       

Yes.  It’s true.  Sad, but true.  (If this is your car, I am sorry, and  - shame on you.)

I get product placement, but this crosses the line of capitalism into insanity.  Then,,,,then like a gift from above, I see the driver….it all made sense.

                      

 Crazy #3 –

I am walking down Santa Monica again, (maybe the city should rename this street to Crazy Lane…) I was heading back to my house having just bought some stuff from Trader Joe’s.  Buy “stuff” I mean bottles of Two Buck Chuck.  It’s a staple in my reusable bag. 

So I cross La Cienega, and right in front of the CVS a man approaches me.  (Don’t get too excited, it was a homeless man….ANY ONE else it would have been Christian Bale or Dane Cook asking them out, but no, nope…not me…) So this homeless man comes up to me and was all, “Oh…Trader Joe’s…I love Trader Joe’s!”  and I was like, “Me too!”(Awkward but whatever)

So then he goes, “Miss, you wouldn’t happen to have any spare change would you?” (apparently this guy doesn’t read my blog…if he did, he would know I never have cash.  Yes, still, I still have not gotten my pin number.  I AM TRYING TO FIND A JOB!) 

Anyway, he asks for some change, anything…And, of course, I don’t have a cent on me.   I said, “Oh, I am so sorry Sir, but I don’t have any money.”  I totally looked like a huge liar holding bags full of Two Buck Chuck…and he goes, “Really Miss, I am starving.”  And I was like, maybe if you read my blog…”Seriously Sir, I am so sorry, but I really don’t have any money.” And he shot me this look like, “YOU ARE A LIAR LADY.”  I felt the shame too. 

He so sadly looked down to the ground, and I think maybe even kicked his foot in an “aw shucks” way and said, “well thank you anyway Miss…have a wonderful day.”

I thanked him and started to walk off…DAMN IT.  I feel horrible.  I WAS next to a CVS and I did have some money, not much…but I could spare something…so I walked into CVS and this particular CVS has like a little pre-made deli sandwich area…so I looked around and decided to play it safe and picked up a PB&J sandwich.  I then went to the chip aisle, grabbed some OG nacho cheese Doritos and a king size Snicker bar.  (What?  He said he was starving and it’s CVS, my options were limited.)

So I paid for his meal and hot-footed it out of the store feeling good, like I am helping my fellow Los Angeline.  Big smile on my face, I look around for him…I could not have been in there more than 5 minutes and he was gone.  Vanished.  Ugh, I don’t even like PB&J’s….So I have failed in helping my fellow man, when out of the corner of my eye, I see him walking 2 blocks down the street….

Failing to get the man’s name during our first exchange, I couldn’t call out to him and I had a feeling shouting, “homeless Sir, homeless Sir” wouldn’t be too cool…So I start to run to catch up with him.  Mind you I have two bags of groceries complete with 4 bottles of wine, so I need to be cautious, but this dude was trucking and I needed to give him his lunch!

Looking like a total ass, trying to run as fast as I can without destroying the bread in my bag or breaking my bottles of vino, I finally catch up to him.

-       Here comes the crazy part –

I say, “Sir, excuse me Sir?”  And he turns around and looks at me like I am a stranger, “Yessss?”  “Hi, remember me, we chatted back there by the CVS.  Um, you asked me for some spare change because you were starving and wanted to get something to eat and I was all, ‘I am so sorry, but I don’t have any money….”

He was all, “Go on…”  YES – he said ‘go on’ to me.  (But at the time, it didn’t phase me because I had a lot on my mind…the bread squishing, the bottles of wine breaking, running in my flip-flops, was I ever going to find an agent…)

So I went on…”Well, I honestly didn’t have any cash, and I felt bad that I couldn’t help you.  So I went into CVS and bought you some lunch.”  Big smile on my face, holding the sack out to him, ready to accept his appreciation…

“What’s that” nodding to the bag I was holding out to him. 

“It’s some food.   A sandwich, some chips and a candy bar.”

“What kind of sandwich?”

What, did he just….

“What?”

“What kind of sandwich, I don’t eat meat.”

(AGAIN, at this time, this really doesn’t phase me.)

“Oh, it’s peanut butter and jelly”

“What flavor jelly?”

Wait…did he….

By this time I have composed myself so I was “in the conversation” and I started to get a bit perturbed that this STARVING homeless man was questioning my gift of food to him.

“I don’t know man, jelly.  I also got you chips and a candy bar.”

“Chips and candy bars have preservatives and wheat.  I don’t eat processed foods, packaged foods or anything that’s not gluten-free.”

Huh. 

Wow.

This is not happening. 

(I look around for Ashton Kutcher to yell, PUNKED!  HAHAHA, you just got PUNKED!)

Not so.

At this point, I really have nothing to say, nothing to say – I know, me…but it’s true.  I have nothing to say.  Here is the healthiest homeless man on Earth and he is rejecting my act of human kindness. 

I drop the bag with his lunch down to my side and I give him this look like, UN – BE – LEAVE – ABLE

He then asks,,,,

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

“Do you got the receipt?”

Like Mr. T always says, I pity the fools...

Until next post,

Caroline