Tears of Fears

When I originally decided I was going to pack up and hit the road to LA, it sounded so courageous and exciting.  Here I was going to  move to the place where my dreams of winning an Academy Award could, very possibly, become a reality.  That's a hefty order for a city, but come on, it happens every year, right?  And why not me?  So I save up some money, contact friends who live out there already and make my plan for "Operation: ReLo to LA."

LA...the land where everyone is beautiful and talented, where most chihuahua's are better dressed and have more savings than I do and where, because it's the God's honest truth - ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

But like all humans, that other little voice in my brain (save all the Sybil jokes please)  started to get me thinking about all the "bad" stuff that could happen in the land of Angels.  I mean, Anthony Kiedis and the city cried together under a bridge because they were so lonely, so it wasn't that too crazy to think these thoughts...I tell you what though, it sure didn't help that I started to watch LA Gang Wars on the NatGeo channel and thought to myself, I could get shot in a drive-by shooting or at the very least, get shot because I love to wear bandannas and what if the bandanna I am wearing is the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood?  Then all my friends back home when interviewed for the 6-o'clock news would all be like, "wow, no, I never knew she was wrapped up in a gang, but I am not surprised, she showed signs." 

Or what if I get a "role" in a film that turns out to be some snuff film or worse, straight to video production...what if the director drugs me and harvests my kidneys and I wake up in a bath tub in some seedy motel on the Sunset Strip without any recollection of what happened and then everyone is like, "huh...so it's not an urban myth..." 

Or WORSE,,,,,what if I fail.

So I am sitting in my Mom's kitchen about a week before I was to leave and I started to cry... When she asked what my problem was and why was I being such a cry-baby -  nah, just kidding, she was very sweet when she asked why I was crying... I explained to her I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision for me...I was so unsure of a lot of stuff in the near future, I was afraid.  Afraid of taking this leap of faith, without a net, without my family or friends I had in Houston, going solo into a new life, afraid no one would laugh at my jokes!   Afraid of lonely nights lying awake, afraid that I might have to come back to Houston before anything happens....I wept that what I was about to do was a big, scary deal and.... I was nervous.  My mom sat me down and shared with me something her grandmother told her a long time ago.  That in life, it's hard to see the "big picture," day-to-day, and often, it's hard to understand your direction and purpose.  Instead, the life you live and the paths you choose are threads that we weave into our personal rug of life and it's not until it's all over, when you look back and flip the rug over and see this amazingly beautiful pattern, your creation, all your fears and triumphs, defeats and experiences you see the big picture, your rug.  Regardless if what you do is "right or wrong" you are creating something, your journey, and that's what it's all about because if all we did was focus on the here and now or the destination, what's the point. 


Like Uncle Jed, Granny, Ellie and Jeffro - I load up my duffel, and I move to Beverlyyyy...well, West Hollywood, but you get it.

Until next post -
Caroline